Dear Abby: A single graduation party invitation has torn my entire family apart

Detailed summary

This reader asks Dear Abby about proper neighbor etiquette.

DEAR ABBY: My sister, “Randee,” and I are experiencing a falling-out with our older brother, “Darren,” which has left us hurt and confused. We come from a large, tightly knit family, and there’s always some sort of celebration happening. We siblings are in our 40s and 50s, so there are also lots of nieces and nephews.

Darren and his wife planned a small graduation party for their son and invited Randee’s ex-husband, who was a complete monster during their recent divorce. Randee and I didn’t want to be around him at all. Darren and his wife were aware of this but invited him anyway. Although Darren has a long-term friendship with Randee’s ex, we were still upset that he chose him over us.

When I approached Darren about the situation and asked him nicely to have us come earlier and the ex come later, he reacted with anger and told us not to come at all! He later told us never to contact him again and that we are cut off from his children as well.

It has been nine months, and he hasn’t shown up to any family functions. When I saw my nephew at the park, he ignored me as if I didn’t exist. That hurt a lot, considering how close we always were. Darren refuses to apologize or make amends, and he stews in anger over it. His wife and children have joined his anger-fest as well. My parents spent their whole lives keeping us all together and making the holidays and celebrations special. They are heartbroken as well. How do we proceed? — BROKEN IN NEW YORK

DEAR BROKEN: From what you have written, I suspect there may be more turmoil in your family than you mentioned in your letter. Start trying to mend fences by apologizing to Darren for dictating who he could or could not entertain at his son’s graduation celebration. Darren did not choose his friend over you and Randee. He chose all three of you, and you chose to create drama where it didn’t need to exist.

As the host, he, not you, was rightly in charge of his guest list.

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