I Went to the Hospital With a Baby in My Belly and Left With a Teddy Bear

详细摘要

Before we left, the staff gave me keepsakes, including his footprints and a bereavement teddy bear. It felt like a cruel joke.

I was 27 weeks pregnant, more than six months along and approaching my third trimester. My stomach was growing, and I pictured the little boy my husband and I would soon bring home. I never imagined I would go through labor and leave the hospital without him.

In December 2017, I went to a hospital in Cleveland, Ohio, after experiencing worsening cramps. I hoped for reassurance. Instead, I learned that my son's heart was no longer beating.

There are moments that divide life into a before and an after. That was mine.

The hospital gave me keepsakes, including his footprints and a bereavement teddy bear. It felt like a cruel joke. I understand the intended kindness behind that gesture, but I had carried my son for 27 weeks, and now I was leaving without him, holding a stuffed animal instead. It was a reality my heart could barely comprehend.

At home, my body had been through childbirth, but there was no baby to feed or little boy to introduce to our family. Grief followed me into ordinary moments. Some days I could laugh, work and cook. Other days I cried without warning.

My husband was grieving, too. We leaned on each other and on our faith. I was raised to believe in God, and I still do, but I struggled with questions. Why had I been given the blessing of carrying my son, loving him and preparing for his arrival, only to lose him?

In the years that followed, we continued to try to bring a child home. I experienced an early pregnancy loss in February 2019. Later that year, I became pregnant again, but that pregnancy wasn't viable. I underwent a D&C in January 2020.

The emotions that pregnancy stirred had become complicated for me. A positive test brought excitement alongside fear. I knew how precious those first moments of hope were, and how uncertain they could feel.

In November 2022, I experienced another early loss. After the new year, I saw another positive test. I was shocked to be pregnant again so soon, but over the following days, the lines grew lighter until they…

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